


Hiraeth

by runicmagitek



Category: Final Fantasy VIII
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Gen, Home, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Memories, Mid-Canon, Mild Horror, Missing Scene, The Successor Challenge, time compression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-11
Updated: 2019-08-11
Packaged: 2020-08-19 09:49:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20207749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/runicmagitek/pseuds/runicmagitek
Summary: When her allies leave her side amidst time compression, she faces a fear worse than the final confrontation with Ultimecia—how does she return home when she never understood what homeisto her?





	Hiraeth

She smiled and cheered for her peers. They mirrored her expression, her optimism; it radiated within the empty, lifeless rooms like a torch. That enthusiasm lit the way to their destination, leaving not a shadowy corner untouched. Her inner fire refused to waver; she was the burning soul of the team with endless tinder.

She smiled as a gesture to those who had forgotten simple comforts. She smiled because if she didn’t, then who would?

And when Selphie blinked and found herself shrouded in darkness—without her allies or a means of returning home—her lips fell to a flat line.

“Guys?” She turned in place. “Hey, where did everyone go?”

Maybe a darkness spell plagued her and rendered her blind, but Selphie recalled no such spell in Ultimecia’s repertoire. Not in their final fight. The inhuman shrieks and the magical shattering of her warped vessel… _that_ thrummed within Selphie. The ghostly echoes offered little solace in her reluctant solitude.

She brought a loose fist to her chest. “Come on,” she said, forcing out a chuckle, “no need to hide. We did it! We won!” _We did, right?_ “That… that means we can go home.” Her nails dug into her palm. “Guys?”

The remnants of battle chimed in between frantic thoughts.

Selphie swallowed and marched forward. She… she _was_ moving, right? Hard to tell when pitch black devoured her. She craned her neck back to investigate and gleaned no answers.

_I can__’t go back without them,_ she thought, her steps slowing. _We promised to return together. We got in this dumb mess together, so we have to__… we have…._

Shuffling to a halt, she dropped her perplexed gaze to her worn boots. Why couldn’t she remember where they were returning to?

Someplace. Not _here_, but somewhere else. This darkness held no hospitality, nor was she the sorceress from the future finding relief in that bleak stillness. The idea stumped Selphie; how was anyone content with staying put in one spot for the rest of their lives? She skipped from location to location since leaving the orphanage—a lost piece to a puzzle that didn’t exist. Then there was Trabia Garden. Selphie stayed there the longest; it was the closest thing to home to her. That’s what that meant, right? To feel at home?

Then again, who was she to comprehend any of that when she moved more than migrating birds traveled the world?

Selphie gasped. That was where she needed to go—one of those places she had previously visited. She promised that… to someone. Someone close, hopefully? She contorted her face and kicked what should’ve been the ground and caught nothing with her toe. Who did she make these important promises to? Furthermore, where was her end destination?

“Where,” she murmured as her heart skipped into her throat, “do I _want_ to go?”

Silence imbued the void. She held her breath and collapsed to her knees. What pained her more than her surroundings was her inability to answer her own question.

_I don__’t want to be here,_ she managed to reason with herself. _Anywhere but here is great, but—_

Laughter broke the quiet lull. Selphie hitched her breath and fluttered her eyes wide open. A blue haze bled through the darkness as lights blinked to life. Salt marked the air and tickled her nose. The roll of the ocean echoed against that childish amusement.

She peeked past her shoulder. A small girl climbed a broken pillar to reach the roof of a massive building. Overgrowth supplied extra footing for the adventurous child while her peers stood below to fidget and whimper.

“M-maybe we can find another place to watch the shooting stars,” a boy called out to her. “That looks really dangerous.”

“Yeah!” a second child chimed in. “We can always walk to the beach, right?”

The wild-haired girl paused to stick her tongue out at them. “Pffff, who wants to go to a stinking beach we can visit whenever we want when we can get a super cool view from up here!”

“But… but Matron’s not going to be happy if she catches us doing this!”

She raised an eyebrow. “Do you want to see the shooting stars or not?”

“Yeah, but—”

“Then come on! It’s not so bad!” She shimmied to the lip of the roof. “What are you waiting for—”

A vine snapped beneath her foot. Selphie gasped with the children. She shrieked out and jumped to her feet when no one else flinched. The girl only caught air. She plummeted. Selphie sprinted and swore she traversed mud.

_No_. She extended her arms and twitched her fingers. _Please don__’t_—

The girl’s brown hair brushed her fingertips. Green eyes flashed before Selphie. Her descent slowed to a crawl until time froze and left them suspended within eternity.

And yet it did little to ease Selphie’s rapid heart as that girl’s stare pierced her.

“What are you doing here?” the upside-down girl asked, emotion drained from her former plucky tone.

Selphie tried to move her lips. Whatever words she fashioned for the little one died.

“This isn’t your home,” the girl continued.

Selphie stared, unblinking. _What__… what do you_—

“You don’t _belong_ here.”

_That_ _’s… that’s not true. I remember… I swear I know this place. Didn’t I— _

“You don’t belong, _anywhere_, Selphie.”

A ringing in her ears overwhelmed her pulse until she swore she was deaf to her thoughts. A chill gripped her bones yet elicited no shudder from her. She longed to recoil from the ethereal sorcery clutching her, to scream and simultaneously catch this poor, falling child and smack her. What was this rage lining her blood? Where had it come from?

Had it always been there?

The child’s eyes widened beyond human limits, as did her mouth. “Go away!”

Time was restored. Selphie struggled to regain balance. The child dropped through the ground, tearing an expanding black hole beneath Selphie. It sucked in the remaining children, the building, the landscape, the stars, everything. Selphie tumbled in nothingness as glimmers of light zipped by and streaked the shadows.

Colors blended together into something new. Images folded over one another like a kaleidoscope correcting itself. The shatter of glass in reverse boomed in her ears until a single image presented itself to Selphie.

Even then, it wasn’t right.

Explosions outshone the stars before returning to its cluster and falling to the earth. Dozens upon dozens of vivid fireworks reassembled, undoing their brilliant display. A firm body crashed into Selphie and pried her attention from the night sky. She muttered and brushed off her shoulder; the stiff fabric of her navy-blue uniform itched her skin, but the chill biting her flesh was not her outfit’s doing.

Dancers graced the circular floor and swirled with others in reverse. The idle conversations blurring into an ambiance skipped syllables and repeated out of order. Orchestral music played out of sync, as if a hundred separate instruments dared to perform a hundred songs.

Selphie clasped her hands over her gaping mouth. _What is this place? Is this__… no, I’ve never been here before. This isn’t anywhere I’m supposed to be. Who I’m meeting with… whoever they are, this can’t be it._ She pivoted and tried marching away from the horrific display, only to have the corridors twist and contort with every step. _Where am I supposed to go?_ Featureless faces better suited for mannequins followed her as she sprinted about the unknown campus. _Where_ am_ I?!_

_Why can__’t I remember? For the love of— _She skidded to a halt and slammed her palms over her ears; it did little to block the inhuman screech chasing her. _Of all the times I had to remember something, this isn__’t clicking with me! But why?_ Selphie slumped into a pillar and ignored figures walking in reverse towards her. _I need to go somewhere__… people are counting on me… right? If I can’t do this, then—_

“Selphie.”

That was her name, wasn’t it? Hesitation choked her, yet she caught her breath and stared from her huddled form. Others in a similar uniform encircled her, but it was the decrepit landscape which garnered her attention.

Whatever once stood here now smoldered in flames and ash. Perhaps it was something beautiful, something welcoming, but it was a memory now.

And those standing in the ruins focused on Selphie with blank gazes. Soot and dirt soaked their bodies while burns and lacerations carved out their faces. The gentle wind offered no relief, tossing debris into the cold air.

Selphie wobbled to standing and embraced herself. “What… what is—”

“What are you doing here?” one of the uniformed individuals asked.

She tilted her head in the direction of the voice, unable to discern its origin. “I… I don’t know—”

“Why did you come back?” Another voice, another direction.

Hissing in air, Selphie twirled and stumbled. “Come _back_? When did I ever _leave_?”

“Why _did_ you leave?” Two voices this time. She didn’t bother to turn. “Wasn’t this home?”

“Home?” Selphie dropped her gaze. “What is….”

“You left us, Selphie.”

Then a thousand quiet voices boomed into her ears. “You _killed_ us, Selphie.”

Every word eviscerated her. “W-what?! Just wait one—”

Sirens blared. Red light flashed against darkness seeped within cramped rooms. The glow of a monitor persisted, though. It stared back at Selphie as she shuffled closer to the device.

Her eyes flicked across the blocks of text—something about a missile launch. A countdown in the corner switched from minutes to seconds, numbers flickered in rapid succession. Selphie ignored it and narrowed her focus on the myriad buttons on the console.

“What am I supposed to do?” She raked gloved hands through her hair. “I’ve… been here before, right? So, this is… this has _happened_, right? Or—” She eyed the screen past tears. “What did I do?” Strength failed her as she leaned into the console. Clutching the edge to stay upright, Selphie sniffled and stared at the monitor. “Why can’t I remember?!”

Maybe that final confrontation with the sorceress from the future never happened. Maybe she lost the moment she was throttled out of her timeline and into another. What unfolded was her reality now; wherever she was trying to return to no longer existed.

Because _she_ didn’t exist.

Tears streamed off her chin and splashed against mechanical keys and switches. A newfound pain throbbed in her head, accompanied by a dreadful echo compiled of doubt and disgust. Was she always this helpless? What a pathetic waste of space and time, she imagined everyone would say. But… who was everyone? Or anyone? Did it matter? She already disappointed them without ever trying.

And if she wasn’t there, if she just _went away_, then no one would ever be bothered by the likes of her again.

Her own name escaped her and yet she continued to laugh at how pitiful it must have sounded. The world blurred as she failed to blink back tears. Thousands upon thousands of numbers flashed across the monitor. The sirens gutted her with each blare. The floor quaked and the monitor flickered. Seconds remained.

_I don__’t want to be here,_ she mused, that single thought a terrified flicker in a sea of booming hatred. It chewed her from the inside out until she longed to scream, but not a sound escaped her raw throat.

_I don_ _’t…._

_Here._

_I shouldn__’t _be_ here._

_But if not here_ _… then—_

She held her breath and froze. “I don’t belong anywhere.” The soft murmur overwhelmed the sirens and her inner demons. “I never did.”

She tilted her head up. The last second disappeared. Red flooded her view, then replaced with a searing heat wishing to blind and consume everything.

“I never _will_,” she spat out.

Flames licked her face and she raised a fist.

“Because it’s not _where_—it’s _who_!”

She punched the console, yet connected with nothing. A brilliant light exploded from her clenched hair and washed over her and the area. She gasped and fell backwards, sinking into nothing and then everything.

Flowers floated by her. The blue sky and lush grass spun slowly. Her feet touched down to a firm surface and she collapsed to her knees.

Tears surfaced as she grasped at a tiled roof. The ocean rolled in the distance. The sun’s warmth kissed her bare shoulders.

And when she eyed the heavens, she found no shooting stars, but the memory burned and demanded her attention.

_I remember,_ she mused, closing her eyes. _I didn__’t want to leave, but I had to. I always did. I never had a home, but that wasn’t what mattered._

A voice broke past the air—distant and faint, yet enough to garner her attention. She blinked her eyes opened and gazed to the horizon. The flower field stretched further than she could see and swayed with the constant wind living in the plane. Several people wandered in that greenery and waved their arms.

She recognized them. Furthermore, they recognized _her_.

* * *

Music and giggles permeated the night. If she wasn’t occupied with chatting someone’s ear off, then she was busy stuffing her face with bacon-wrapped scallops and spinach dip. A well-deserved celebration after a grueling, yet decisive battle.

Because they _did_ win, after all.

And both friends and strangers rushed to Selphie to express gratitude for her efforts. Sure, they could have humored Sir Grumpypants—well, more like _Commander_ Grumpypants—who led their efforts, but people flocked to Selphie and asked for _her_ take on their ventures. Like _she_ was going to say no to a grandiose retelling.

Grins and dazzling eyes flashed across her peers with each new recollection. She couldn’t help but reflect their high spirits. Huh… when was the last time _that_ happened? Selphie focused on that nuance in the rare lulls throughout the festive night. For as long as she remembered, _she_ was the one who ensured the happiness of others.

She smiled softly and plopped down in an abandoned chair. No one deserved that soul-wrenching sensation hollowing in their gut. Despite the atrocities, people deserved safety and comfort, something to call their own.

A home.

It was in her friends and those she shared silly stories which induced side-splitting laughter. It was in the star-speckled nights and the wind combing her hair. It was nowhere and everywhere.

She released a content sigh. Maybe this wasn’t the present she originally came from. That was okay, though. She skipped across locations like a smooth rock treading still water. Time compression could chase her and rip her from where she stood, but it couldn’t rob her of what rang true to her.

Selphie remembered those who believed in her—because she believed in _them_—and grinned brighter than ever. She smiled to instill strength in those who deemed it impossible. She smiled when all reason to do so vanished. She smiled because her soul would die otherwise.

The heartache planted in her young heart never rotted Selphie; it flourished and sparked a new notion. No one deserved to experience what she had. Her smile was her shield and sword and it was enough.

**Author's Note:**

> Hiraeth—a combination of homesickness, longing, nostalgia, and yearning, for a home that you cannot return to, no longer exists, or maybe never was.


End file.
